The Willow Tree
by The Temporarily Gone Girl
Summary: My oneshots for WillowClan's monthly challenges.
1. May, Losing Dreams

**Again, for WillowClan's May Writing Challenge! Writing prompt was:**

**_It's never too late to live the life you've always wanted. It's never too late to correct past wrongs._**

**But it seems that my story seems to be going the opposite way...**

Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw

_Losing Dreams_

They said it's never too late to live the life you've always wanted. It's never too late to correct past wrongs. But they're wrong, they're always wrong.

Because they've never had to lose their dreams, they think it's all possible. They've never had to lose everything all at once. They don't, and never will, understand.

*.*

You all know the story. There's a fiery ginger shecat, she makes mistakes, and she hates the handsome, tabby tom. They both hate each other.

One time she follows him, and he takes her on the journey of her life. They save each other so many times, they become friends. They all become friends, they go through danger together. They find a new place for their Clans, fulfilling a prophecy. Every important cat has a prophecy, and they were important, they fell in love and StarClan looked down on them.

Then, they had a happy ending, didn't they? They had kits and they taught them all they knew, and maybe their kits were so important they had a prophecy as well, and it was hard but it always ends well. Always. There's no sad endings, because it's a story.

But that's not what happens, not in real life. I hate that I can't dream anymore. I can't think it will all come right in the end. There aren't lies in a story, or if there are they're always for a good reason. I thought my lie was for a good reason, but I was wrong. It all went wrong, terribly wrong.

This isn't one of the perfect stories, where it all works out happily and it tells you what to believe, plain and simple.

This is my story.

*.*

When you're a kit you life half in a life of dreams. You play silly games, you fantasize and you even think if might come true. You dream of becoming leader, and if the actual leader looks twice at you, you think you've got a chance. Of course, my father was the leader. But it was always fun to pretend, to dream.

You dream of becoming a warrior, of finally being respected. Even being an apprentice seems very far away.

I was born into a loving family with no problems. There was the occasional spat, but my mother and father loved me. I could live in the sunshine all I wanted and run away from the arms, hiding behind them. I was _safe_. I was so innocent, so ignorant. I thought life was happy, carefree, that my dreams might come true.

There was another dream, the dream to fall in love. I never told anyone, never let it on, but it was that silent thought in the back of your mind, the one which is always there.

I thought it would be perfect, that one day I would see him and I would just know. Our eyes would meet and he would say those three words, and I'd be able to say them back. Then we would be happy and he'd tell me my eyes were pretty and all the things that didn't really matter.

But it wasn't like that with Brambleclaw. I _hated_ him with a vengeance. Then I went on the journey of my life.

My life hadn't been all dreams, of course. Nothing's perfect, but my life before the secret was close. My sister became a medicine cat, leaving me in one way.

But when I heard that prophecy, it all came crashing down. I was part ofa prophecy, just like a cat in the story. It wasn't nice, it wasn't perfect, it was just hard. Before the journey, and during it, I was treated as inferior. Whenever I did something wrong, something stupid, Brambleclaw was always there laughing behind my back - everyone was.

*.*

Leafpool came to me. She asked me to keep her secret. I would do anything for my sister, anything. So I took her kits, and lied to the cat - the only cat I had and ever would come to love.

For a while it just hurt to see his eyes light up whenever he saw them do well. It started to hurt more with every passing day, but I kept the secret for Leafpool's sake.

Then came Ashfur. So many words to describe the cat who ruined my life. I could say he was evil, he betrayed me and ThunderClan, that he only ever wanted to hurt us.

But it wouldn't all be true. Some of it is, yes, but not all. He was an apprentice friend to Cloudtail, he must have been as carefree and happy as me when he was that young. I've heard stories from Ferncloud about how bravely they ran from the dogs. He was a brave warrior, despite all of his failures. I wonder sometimes if he would have done the same for his sister, if he could have.

He loved me, I pushed him away, and he destroyed my life and my dreams.

But it wasn't just my life - it was Leafool's Brambleclaw's, Crowfeather's, Firestar's, Jayfeather's, Lionblaze's, and Hollyleaf's - he destroyed her completely. He destroyed all of us.

And in that day, the day of storm and fire, there was no realization that it had all started. There was only a desperation to keep going, to keep it all safe and locked up forever. It didn't come crashing down, it didn't all stand still for a moment.

Only now can I look back. I lost my kits, I lost the cat I loved, I lost my father, I lost the respect I had earned, and I will never truly have kits of my own.

It wasn't just that. I lost everything except my sad, broken sister.

My dreams will never come true.

I was meant for Brambleclaw, with our temper's and our brave hearts, they said. I knew it was true because I loved him more than anything. I saw the same in his dear, handsome, deep amber eyes. But I shared something with Ashfur, too. Something that Brambleclaw didn't have in common.

Brambleclaw has a fire that burns inside of him, an ambition. There are two kinds of minds, two kind of hearts.

There's Brambleclaw. There's the kind who believes in their dreams with an all consuming need, who'll do anything to get their dreams. They're the kind you hear stories of, the kind who make a difference.

Then, there's me. Ashfur. The ones you don't remember. Some of us get our dreams through fortune, through chance, through quietly working towards them. You remember them sometimes because they're part of a story with someone like Brambleclaw, because at least they _tried. _

But there are the ones like me, who aren't part of anything. They aren't remembered, even if they tried their best. They might be patient, they might wait, they might try their best but they were afraid. They worked quietly, they were good, but they were too afraid to give everything to their dream and it let them take them to the stars. They were afraid they would fail.

So they were quiet. They worked hard but they were forgotten. They were forgotten in the stream of cats which did their best, but it wasn't good enough.

I wish I had given everything to it, but now I can't do it. I'm too afraid. Maybe I won't be forgotten, but I'll never be all I could have been.

All because I was afraid.

I was afraid to make it up.

Brambleclaw, you're all that makes me whole. You could carry me to the sky and back again.

But I've lost everything, and so I stay in the quiet misery. I look at the quiet hatred, blame, and sorrow in Jayfeather and Lionblaze's eyes and I hope they'll give their dreams everything and not let this stop them. _I love you my darlings._

I remember Hollyleaf. She tried so hard to give her dream everything she had, and it destroyed her. Her shining green eyes, asking me serious questions when she was only a kit. It hurt so much to see the faith she had in me. Hollyleaf didn't know any better. I was all she knew, and I let her down.

*.*

I lost everything.

I lost my dreams.

Don't ever lose your dreams.

**Thank you for reading!**

**~Iceshadow~**


	2. July, Cold

**Heya there WillowClan! My entry for the July contest. Prompt was Tears and Rain, James Blunt, given to me by the awesome XxJayfeatherxX! This is what you get when you mix me, that song, and the main character's name is what you get when I read too many fallen angel books. 80 First she was Fadepaw... Then Shadowpaw... Then Fadepaw again... and first she was black with amber eyes... then blue eyes... and finally this description. But I hope you all like it! I'm not really sure what to make of it myself...**

COLD

Her paws pounded the ground. Her legs moved quickly, too quickly, through the cold evening air. They moved with a steady rhythym, and a strange grace.

She came to a huge tree. Its massive branches stretched out in every direction, the moss and leaves hanging on them barely noticeable in comparison with the shadowy branches above. It was a dark clearing, the earth bare of moss or leaves. She came here so often.

Fallenpaw of ThunderClan. Her name was always a mystery to her. It was so very different from the other cats' names, yet they said it without blinking once. They were used to it, used to her. Fallenpaw came to a stop. She growled in the darkness. She didn't want this. She didn't want her limbs to move fluidly with an ease they never possessed in the daytime. It felt unreal - cold. Everything felt cold. Not the air, but herself.

As soon as she'd left camp, she'd began to run. Fallenpaw had wanted to feel the burning, gasping need for air. Something real, far from the camp. She couldn't wait to start running, but she couldn't do it in view of her Clanmates.

Now she'd come here. To her huge, imposing beech tree. It felt solid, safe - nothing could tear this away from her.

To sort out this mess. The mess which was her life.

*.*

Small things no one else would think about had started to add up. If they'd happened once, no one would have noticed. But time after time, she'd snapped at her Clanmates. Become difficult. Unwilling.

That had been only the beginning. The other day in training, she'd hurt Branchpaw. She'd apologized and they'd gone off to hunt. That's when Branchpaw fell.

Down the ravine. Brown limbs flailing helplessly, down, down, down. It made her sick to think of it, the haphazard way the brown shecat had been tossed from side to side.

She was badly hurt, Fallenpaw knew.

*.*

And so she ran. Fear coursing through her as she walked away. The silver shecat with her deep blue eyes wanted to run as soon as she'd stepped out of the apprentice's den this evening. Fallenpaw wanted to run away from all of it. Away from the suspicious looks, away from the horrible images that flashed through her mind, twisting and turning in her sleep, away from the sick feeling she got whenever she went past the ravine.

There were no words for what she felt. Only the cold.

There were no good reasons for it either. Or were there? The hurt apprentice in the medicine cat den was very real, very hurt, and very much her fault.

_How can I live with this?_ Fallenpaw wondered. _Can I live with this?_

Branchpaw had been hurt two days before the gathering. Chirpy, social, cheerful Branchpaw had been looking forward to going. Fallenpaw had gone after she was hurt, and had hated it. She'd had to tell other apprentices she didn't know, from other Clans, about Branchpaw.

_It's my fault._

None of it seemed to make sense. She had gone here so as to assess the situation calmly and reasonably. Fallenpaw had to put away these swirling, confusing thoughts and focus.

To do that she would have to recall the memories. _No._ She couldn't do that, couldn't ever.

What if the conclusion she drew was that it really was her fault?

_*.*.*.*_

_Fallenlight of ThunderClan. She looked delicate, frail. Blue eyes silver shecat. _

_Watch out for her._

That was what they said.

_Trouble fallen from StarClan._

Branchpaw had not recovered. No longer cheerful, but rather melancholy and sad, she had become the medicine cat apprentice. While Roseleaf, their tortoiseshell medicine cat, had been glad to have help, Branchpaw had never forgiven Fallenlight.

It couldn't be easy, she knew, to sit in Roseleaf's den and watch Fallenlight excel as a warrior. Except she hadn't wanted to excel... exactly. Sometimes there _was_ a burning need to be better, more. More often than she would like, Fallenlight wanted more than anything to be the best. The rest of the time she only wanted run.

Fallenlight enjoyed fighting. Every border skirmish, every fight, she was there. She enjoyed the flick of claws, the rake, spin, jump, run, everything about it. Then she was graceful, moving fast and with a purpose. Not the shecat who tripped on the way out of camp. Sometimes she wondered if her old name, Fallenkit, had been a cruel joke.

She loved fighting. She loved trouble. But she was afraid, too. Afraid of Branchpaw's angry glare, afraid her Clan Leader's motives sometimes, afraid of herself.

Branchpaw had refused to take a medicine cat name, as a symbol of... Well, Fallenlight supposed it mus be a symbol of not accepting her fate. Or simply the only resistance she could have to her fate. She was afraid Branchpaw hated her.

Why had Redstar given her the name Fallenlight, she wondered. _My mother apparently thought I was one of StarClan fallen to earth when I was born. I thought by now it would have been obvious I was nothing close to StarClan. _Or was it that she had been a light, and had fallen to become a shadow? She shook her head. Their ginger leader had probably not thought about it. It irked her that she thought about it, however._  
_

Her greatest fear was everything about herself. She was bad. She was wicked. She had killed a cat in battle more than once, and stolen another's life by mistake.

_I'm going to the Dark Forest,_ she thought.

It filled her with terror. To wander there, forever lost? _StarClan help me. _

But why would they help her?

Fallenlight, who didn't make a noise as another cat fell, just watched.

Fallenlight, who was too scared to talk to Branchpaw and apologize.

Fallenlight, who just wanted to run away from everything.

Fallenlight, who took comfort in knowing she was better.

Fallenlight, always the trouble maker.

Fallenlight, who loved to fight.

No.

No one would help her.

*.*.*.*

This story would not end under the light of StarClan. This story - her life - would end on a bloody battlefield once she ran out of time. Ran out of energy. Ran into too much trouble for once. It would be over, a cold flash after the heat of her life. The heat of blood. The heat of anger. The steady beat of her heart. It would end someday, and then what?

It would end in that surge of emotion words could never describe. As she stood there under her beech tree, the same one she had stood under long ago, rain slipped down through the bare branches. Fallenlight wanted to make it all right again, make her peace. But it was too late, wasn't it?

She stood there a long time. It would be so easy to simply run away. Shatter her life here into pieces. Run away with the cold. Run away from the trouble.

Rain soaked her fur. Fallenlight was cold, but she didn't shiver.

_I don't know what to do. _

Uncertainty circled through her mind.

Uncertainty was always there.

The rain kept coming down, harder and harder. Pounding on her fur, plastering it down to her skin. She felt like she might collapse to the ground at any moment under the weight of the water, pouring down onto her. Everything had gone wrong. Her apprentice friend had fallen. It was her fault. How could she go on, how could she go back to the camp one more time?

So easy to run away. So many things circling through her mind as she simply stood in the rain. Stood as it hit her again and again. Stood as it ran down her whiskers, down her sides, all over her.

She could not move. Could not decide. Could not do anything.

The rain gradually eased, coming only as a gentle but steady stream of clear water, somehow sparkling even in the dull gray light.

It didn't help. She almost wanted the heavy rain back.

_I have never felt this cold._

_I have always felt cold._


End file.
